No Regrets
by J.J. Keegan
Summary: Steve has a bad day and his subordinates don't understand why, at first.


**No Regrets**

by J.J. Keegan

_May, 1970_

Bright morning sunshine flooded through the windows of the large corner office, spilling across the carpeted floor and filling every nook and cranny with its warm glow.  The light revealed a room overflowing with information: pictures tacked to bulletin boards, blackboards filled with writing, and tables covered with items marked "evidence."  Anyone who knew the purpose of this particular office would recognize the signs of a sizeable investigation in progress, but for all the analytical tools strewn about the place, it was nearly devoid of human activity.  The room's sole occupant, a tall, athletic-looking man with a shock of thick, dark hair, seemed oblivious to everything around him.  He sat stiffly at his desk with a grim look spread across his face, his brow deeply furrowed and the muscles along his jaw rippling with tension.  The skin over the knuckles of both hands was stretched to a waxy white; his right hand sat balled into a rigid fist on the desktop while his left clenched the telephone receiver he had pressed hard against his ear.

"Yes, sir.  I understand, sir."  Steve McGarrett's strained voice was barely above a whisper.  "Yes, I knew it was a possibility when I accepted this job."  He paused to listen.  "Yes, sir.  Thank you again for calling.  Goodbye."

McGarrett squeezed his lips into a tight line, his face a road map of sadness and disappointment as he very gently but very deliberately set the receiver back in its cradle and then sat frozen in place for several long moments.  He rose slowly to his feet, stepped to the doors leading to lanai, slipped his hands in his pockets, and stared vacantly out across the palace grounds.  Drawing a long, shaky breath, he sighed heavily as his shoulders slumped and his chin sunk slowly toward his chest.

Suddenly, two sharp knocks broke the silence, and the door swung open to admit Detective Dan Williams, Hawaii Five-0's Second in Command.  

"Steve, we've tracked Osborne to an apartment complex in Aiea," Williams reported excitedly.  "If we move fast, we can..."  

Williams stopped short as he got a good look at his boss's posture and realized that McGarrett probably hadn't heard a word he'd said.  

Nigel Osborne was the prime suspect in a string of high profile con games that had bilked investors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Osborne was a small, mousy man in his mid-fifties, a British transplant to Hawaii who never interacted personally with his victims, but who used attractive young men and women to sweet talk wealthy investors into parting with their money.  While Osborne was unlikely to pose a physical danger to anyone, prominent victims had pressured the governor for an arrest in the case.  It had been Five-0's number one priority for the last two weeks, with everyone working long hours as they closed in on the criminal.  Williams couldn't imagine what might have driven the case from the forefront of McGarrett's mind.

_He looks wiped out, but it _has_ been a rough week,_ thought Dan as he watched Steve turn slowly from the lanai door.  Dan's eyes narrowed as he studied the other man.  _Uh-unh...  There's more to it..._  "Everything okay, Steve?" he asked carefully.

"Yeah, Danno," came the distant response.  

Dan felt his heart start to race.  Anyone would have realized that something was amiss, but he knew McGarrett well enough to realize that something might be seriously wrong.  The two men had been working together for a couple of years, and although they were very different in everything from their looks to their social lives, they had forged a unique bond that seemed to grow stronger with time.  But Dan also knew that McGarrett was an intensely private man, and he didn't want to press too hard.  He was sure that in a moment his boss would return to the task at hand, as he always did, so the younger detective was floored by the next words out of McGarrett's mouth.  

"Danno, I'm sure you and Chin can handle Osborne," McGarrett said heavily, as though it were an effort to speak.  "I have a few things I have to take care of."

"W-what?!"  An astonished Williams tried to formulate some kind of a coherent response as he watched the lines in McGarrett's face deepen.  

Without another word, Steve retrieved his holster from the nearby hat tree and set his weapon in place on his shoulder before wearily shrugging on his suit coat and tightening his tie.  He seemed to be moving in slow motion, all the energy having been sucked out of him by some unseen force.

"Steve? What is it?  Is Mary Ann okay? Tom?" Dan asked with alarm, wondering if perhaps Steve's sister or brother-in-law was ill.

"They're both fine, Danno.  I just..."  McGarrett's face twisted with a strange sort of sadness and his blue eyes took on a deeply wounded look.  It was an expression Williams had never seen on his friend's face before, but he wondered if it meant that he was going to hear what this was all about.

Williams caught McGarrett's arm as the taller man started to walk out.  "C'mon, Steve.  What gives?" he demanded gently.

With an almost undetectable shake of his head, McGarrett responded, "Don't worry about me, Danno. I just have some things I have to take care of.  Go nail Osborne, okay?"  McGarrett managed a small smile as he moved slowly toward the door, but Williams could see that it had been manufactured for his benefit; there was no emotion behind the expression.

Williams knew the subject was closed, for the moment.  His head was still spinning as he followed McGarrett out of the office and tried to refocus his attention on pursuing Osborne.  As he reached into his small office to grab his suit coat, Dan heard McGarrett's weary voice order, "Jenny, cancel my appointments for today and tomorrow," followed by Jenny's astounded "Cancel?  When should I reschedule them for?"

"We'll talk about it later," Steve responded quietly.

By this time, Chin Ho Kelly and Kono Kalakaua had stepped out of their own small cubicles, expecting McGarrett to lead the charge after Osborne.

"Ready, Boss?" inquired Chin with a grim smile.  There was nothing he liked better than nailing scumbags.  He loved hearing McGarrett's order to "book 'em" after each Five-0 success.

Chin stopped in his tracks when McGarrett replied softly, "Danno's in charge on this one, Chin.  I've got something I need to take care of."  With that, McGarrett walked out the door, leaving his four subordinates gaping in astonishment.

Dan managed to corral his galloping thoughts and force himself to focus on the morning's original mission.  "Whatever it is, it's gonna have to wait," he muttered grimly.  "Duke has his HPD guys surrounding the apartment, waiting for us.  Let's go get Osborne."

Dan, Chin and Kono departed, leaving Jenny shaking her head in bewilderment.  She'd never seen the boss quite like this, and wondered what had shaken him so badly.  She'd seen him angry; McGarrett's Irish temper was legendary.  And sad, heart-breakingly so, when his nephew died last year.  But this was different.  Jenny had seen disappointment in Steve's eyes, mixed with a heavy sadness and the beginnings of smoldering anger, and it disturbed her that she had no idea why.

"It must have been that phone call," Jenny mused.  She had heard Steve's phone ring though his thick door, but didn't know who the caller had been.  There were very few people with a direct line to the boss's office; most of the world had to deal with Jenny Sherman before they could speak to Steve McGarrett.  

Jenny absentmindedly answered the telephone that had begun ringing. "Five-0, may I help you?" 

"Good morning, Jenny.  This is Walter Stewart.  May I speak with Steve, please?"

"I'm afraid he's out of the office at the moment, sir," replied Jenny, struggling to keep her voice under control.  _Why are you calling?  You sound tense..._  "Can I take a message for you?"

"Well," the state's Attorney General hedged, "has, ah...  Has Steve had any other calls this morning?"

"Yes, a few.  Anyone in particular?"  _So it was that phone call._  Jenny perked up as her antennae came to full alert.

"No, no...  I, ah..." Stewart stammered.  "I just wanted to ask Steve whether he was still planning to play in the golf tournament this weekend.  I'll catch up with him later.  Thanks very much, Jenny.  Bye now."

"Goodbye, sir."  Jenny hung up the phone, muttering, "What a lousy liar.  Steve was never scheduled for a golf tournament this weekend.  Walter Stewart can't really think I'm _that_ stupid."

Jenny glanced at McGarrett's imposing office door.  _I can't believe I'm even considering this..._  With a determination born of deep concern for a man she thought the world of, she marched into McGarrett's office and straight to the tape recorder that faithfully documented each of his telephone conversations.  *Click*  _Rewind_  *Click*  _Play_

"Five-0, McGarrett."  The snappy voice belonged to the man Jenny knew so well – the man who had arrived early this morning, determined that this would be the day Five-0 would make a big arrest and close a case.

"Good morning, Steve."  The voice was familiar, but Jenny couldn't quite place it.

"Good morning, sir."  Steve's voice had tightened considerably.  "I've been expecting your call."

"I'm very sorry, Steve, but I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news..."  _Oh, my God!  Of course I know that voice.  It's Lieutenant Governor Kauhane!_

"Yes, sir.  Let me have it."  This weary voice belonged to the man Jenny had just seen walk out the front door, alone.

*Click*  Without warning, the recording cut off.  

_Why would Steve have shut off the recorder?_  Jenny could think of only one possible explanation, one that left her completely shocked and shaking with disbelief.  Fighting back tears, she walked stiffly back to her desk and sat motionless, awaiting the others' return.

*******

Dan, Chin and Kono trudged through the Five-0 front door and headed directly for the coffee pot.

"Well, _that_ could have gone better," growled Dan as he poured a round of the thick black liquid for the three of them.  _This stuff could use a shot of bourbon after a morning like this,_ he thought darkly.

"Yep," added Kono with a scowl.  "We got Osborne all right, with enough evidence to put him away for a long time, but I hate to see one of the good guys get hurt takin' down crud like him."

"What happened?" demanded Jenny, alarmed.

"He put up more of a fight than we expected," answered Chin.  "Tommy Matsui got shot in the leg, but he'll be okay."

"Heard from Steve?" asked Dan.

"Not a word," Jenny replied tensely.  "But..."

It was Kono who finally noticed that Jenny looked ready to burst into tears, "What is it, Jenny?  What's wrong?" he demanded.

"Oh," Jenny wailed, losing her composure, "I think I may know what happened this morning."  She sucked in a deep breath, making a vain attempt at steadying her voice.  "I think Steve's been _fired!_"

_"What?"_

_"Why?"_

_"Where did you hear that?"_

The three men exploded with simultaneous questions as they converged on her desk.

Jenny rose silently from her seat and motioned for them to follow her to Steve's office, where she replayed the mysterious tape.  No one said a word about the propriety of listening to the tape in the first place; there were much larger issues at hand.

All three men came to the same unthinkable conclusion that Jenny had.  What other possible explanation could there be?  They stood staring incredulously at one another until Chin finally blurted aloud the question eating at all of them. 

"_Why?_  Makes no sense...  No scandals, no screw ups.  I don't get it!" 

"Me neither," added Kono, scowling.  "Gotta be a mistake, or something.  It's just not right..."

Dan shook his head.  "We can't let this happen.  I'll go talk to Kauhane."  He ran a hand through his sandy hair, trying to imagine what he could say to save his boss's job, when he wasn't even sure why Steve had been fired.

*******

"Dan Williams to see you, sir," Lieutenant Governor Kauhane's secretary called over the intercom.

"Send him in," a voice boomed from the speaker.

Dan's feeling of trepidation deepened as he entered the spacious office and saw the dour expression on Henry Kauhane's chiseled brown face.  The lieutenant governor was a tall, rugged man with the broad shoulders and narrow waist of the championship swimmer he had been in college, but with enough gray streaking his brown hair to remind people that college had been a long, long time ago. 

Kauhane met Dan halfway across the room and shook his hand firmly.  "Howzit, Dan?  I've been expecting you."  The man's deep voice, usually so jovial, was solemn enough that it made Dan's stomach begin doing the flip flops that until now he'd been able to rationalize away.  

"Expecting me?"  Although separated in age by several years, the two men had grown up in the same neighborhood and had many mutual friends, but Dan was in no mood for small talk and would have preferred to get to the point.

"Not the best day for Steve, I'm afraid," Kauhane continued.

_Well, that's certainly one way to put it, you bastard!_  Dan swallowed his anger, knowing that losing his temper with Kauhane wouldn't help Steve.  "No, I guess not," he replied evenly, his fists clenching with suppressed rage.  "That's what I'm here to discuss, sir.  I'm having a hard time figuring out what's going on."

"Please, have a seat."  Kauhane gestured toward two comfortable armchairs.  When the two had settled into them, he continued.  "You've got _me_ a little confused now, Dan.  It's really pretty simple.  It stinks, but Steve just didn't make the cut."

Williams rocketed to his feet, all thoughts of civil conversation evaporating.  "Simple!" he shouted.  "Steve McGarrett poured his _soul_ into Five-0!  How the hell can you just fire him, right out of nowhere?!  _Auwe__!!_"  

As furious as he was, Dan couldn't miss the transition on Kauhane's face as confusion transformed into frank astonishment and he, too, jumped to his feet.

In his shock, Kauhane's carefully cultivated nine-to-five professional mask dropped away.  "_Fire_ him?!  You _lolo__??_  What kine _idiot_ would fire Steve McGarrett??"

Barely able to formulate a complete sentence, Dan felt as though he were riding some kind of demented roller coaster.  "But...  The phone call this morning...  The bad news...  Steve took the rest of the day off...  No explanation...  Then Walter Stewart called, looking for Steve...  We thought..."

Kauhane drew in a deep breath and nodded.  It finally made sense to him, if not to Williams.  "Okay, I get it.  You're jumping to conclusions, and I can see why.  But in this case, you're wrong."  He smiled wryly, in spite of the circumstances.  "Sit down, Dan, before you fall down, and let me explain."

*******

"I don't get it," puzzled Dan.  "Is it really that big a deal?"  He had returned to the Five-0 office and relayed both the good and the bad news to the others, resulting in an odd combination of relief and sadness.

"Yeah, Danny, it is," replied Chin dejectedly.  "Like you heard on the tape, Steve pretty much knew it was coming, but it still hurts.  He's given up an awful lot for this job, but this is a real slap in the face."  Chin's eyes took on a faraway look as he shook his head slowly.  "I didn't realize it was time yet."

*******

Chin rang the bell again.  No answer.  He pounded on Steve's apartment door - still nothing.  _Maybe he's at Doc Bergman's beach house._

The drive to Aina Haina gave Chin more time to think about what to say to Steve, but realistically, there was nothing he _could_ say that would change anything or was likely to help in the least.  Knocking on the door of the darkened beach house produced the same result as at the apartment - silence.  

"Damn."  _Maybe the boat._  But as Chin turned to leave, he heard something behind the house that piqued his interest enough to take a look.

_Uh-huh, thought that sounded like glass on glass._  Chin rounded the corner of the house and spied McGarrett sprawled in a beach chair on the lanai, staring out at the dark ocean.  The full moon rising over the water provided just enough light to see that Steve looked awful.  His face was puffy, and Chin was willing to bet it was flushed red, though he couldn't see well enough to tell.  McGarrett's slumped shoulders and defeated demeanor reminded Chin of a dog that had been whipped one too many times and had crawled off to lick its wounds.  _Probably closer to the truth than I'd like to admit._  Whatever Steve had planned to "take care of," the situation had obviously not improved since this morning.  Not that Chin would have expected it to...

"How far did you run?" asked Chin, climbing the three short steps to the lanai and planting himself in front of his boss.  

McGarrett's T-shirt was sweat-stained and his tousled hair, normally so perfectly tamed, flopped untidily across his forehead.  He ignored the question and glowered wordlessly at the intruder.  

"Swim help at all?"  Chin kicked gently at McGarrett's discarded sneakers and gestured toward his still-damp shorts and sandy bare feet.  

McGarrett ignored the second question as well, his eyes narrowing to mere slits as he peered blearily at Chin.  "I should throw you out, my Chinese friend," he finally declared flatly, slurring the words slightly.  "I chased Kauhane and Stewart out of here when they showed up.  Pity parties are best suffered alone."

McGarrett eyed the half-full glass of whiskey in his hand and swallowed the amber liquid in one large gulp.  "Ahhhhh.…." he grunted.  Smacking the glass down on the table beside him, he snatched the bottle and held it up close to his face.  "Damn, almost gone," he lamented.  "Good stuff, Chin.  Jameson Reserve.  Some of the best Ireland has to offer.  I was saving it for a celebration."  McGarrett _hrmphed_ in disgust.  "Right," he spat.

_Man, he's going to be hurting in the morning._  Chin suppressed a chuckle only because he knew that his friend was in pain.  He was only mildly surprised to see his tee-totaling boss sloshed; he was enough of a pragmatist to know that this was often how men dealt with disappointment.  He lowered himself into the beach chair next to McGarrett's, deciding to invite himself along for what was bound to be an interesting evening.

Chin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and got to the business at hand.  "Sorry about the board results, Steve," he said simply.

Chin had realized that Danny and the others didn't understand why Steve was so upset about having been passed over for a reserve promotion to the rank of Captain.  To them, Steve's naval reserve commitment was a part time job, an opportunity to play weekend warrior once a month.  They had no idea just how important it was to him. But Chin Ho knew much better than that.  He'd served in Korea with Steve, and he knew what the Navy meant to McGarrett.  What neither Chin nor the others had known this morning was that Lieutenant Governor Kauhane was also a naval reserve Captain.  The phone call upon which they had eavesdropped was Kauhane giving Steve the Captain selection board results.  

"Guess you're pretty disappointed," Chin added quietly. 

"What would ever give you that idea?" Steve asked sourly.  "And just how the hell do you know about the selection board?"

"Little birdie told me."

"Stewart?  Or Kauhane...?  I'll strangle him..."

Chin returned Steve's angry question with a humorless smile.

Steve screwed up his face and glared out at the ocean.  "I assume Osborne is locked up?"

"Yeah, but he surprised us.  Came out swinging.  Tommy Matsui took a slug in the leg."

A guilty look spread over McGarrett's face.  "Oh, no..."

"Don't worry, he'll be fine.  Danny tried to call you..." Chin chided gently.  He paused, peering hard at the other man.  

"So, you wanna talk about it?"

"What's to talk about?" Steve snapped.  "Not much to say.  Couldn't run Five-0 and compete for the right reserve jobs to check the blocks to make Captain.  End of story."  He pressed his lips into a thin line, stared down at his feet, and continued in a more subdued voice.  "I knew this would probably happen when I accepted the job, but a part of me hoped it would turn out differently."

Chin ached at the sadness and pain he saw in Steve's eyes.  "It stinks, no doubt about it.  But you made a choice back then, and I think you knew what it might cost.  For what it's worth, I think they made one hell of a mistake.  And I got a pretty good idea what it feels like..."

Steve whipped his head around to face Chin and started to shout, "No, you don't!" but caught himself.  Instead, he managed a quiet, "Yeah, I guess you probably do know how it feels.  You got a worse deal; earned a Silver Star in combat and got passed over for promotion because your eyes aren't round."

Chin winced.  _He's right, but geez, does he always have to be quite so blunt?_

Steve took a deep breath and continued, his voice strained but controlled.  "I knew it was coming, but I just didn't think it would hurt this much.  I hoped they'd look past a few checks in the blocks.  I guess I thought maybe I had a shot."

"You regret your decision to take Five-0?"  _Might as well get it all out there on the table._

Steve thought for a few seconds.  "No, I really don't...  But..."  His face clouded over with anger and hurt, and he propelled himself unsteadily to his feet as the pent up emotion of the day finally exploded.  

"Damn it, Chin!  I'm at least as good an officer as any of them, and better than half!  That bastard Reynolds has had his nose up someone's rear end since we were ensigns.  And Coleman?" McGarrett snorted bitterly, tossing his hand in the air.  "That guy doesn't know shit about running an intelligence operation, but his daddy is an admiral."  He turned his back on Chin and took a couple of wobbly steps to the bar on the far side of the lanai, where he leaned heavily on his hands and let his head sag forward.

Chin didn't miss Steve's uncharacteristic use of foul language.  It was a good barometer for the depth of the other man's suffering.  "Gonna have to let it go, Boss, or it'll eat you alive," he said evenly.

Steve looked over his shoulder and managed a rueful half-smile.  "I know, Chin.  I know.  But not tonight, eh?"  He grabbed a second glass from the bar, returned to Chin's side and emptied the remainder of the whiskey into the two glasses.   

Steve handed Chin a drink, glanced upward at the star-filled sky and lifted his glass.  "The ancestors."

Chin climbed to his feet.  "The ancestors," he agreed, lifting his own glass high before draining it.

Chin broke the silence after a few moments.  "There's no shame in retiring as a commander.  You know that."  He reached up and gripped McGarrett's shoulder firmly, his gaze boring into the taller man's eyes.  "Steve, your papa would be proud of you."

Steve's eyes glistened and he swallowed hard.  "Yeah, I think probably so," he agreed huskily.  Clearing his throat noisily, he gestured toward the small brown bag that Chin had placed on a nearby table.  "Whatcha got?"

Chin grinned wickedly and pulled a bottle from the bag.  "Remember that special sake we used to get on R&R in Tokyo?"

*******

Chin glanced nervously toward the door for at least the tenth time.  He wasn't surprised that Steve was late, given the degree of hangover he must be suffering.  He ran a hand over his throbbing forehead.  _If he feels anything like I do, I wouldn't blame him if he stayed home._  But when Chin had arisen from Steve's couch this morning, he'd found his boss in the kitchen, stoically brewing strong coffee and preparing for work.  _I had to go all the way home and shower.  He should have been here before me._

The atmosphere in the office was tense, the same unspoken question on everyone's mind: _Where is Steve?_

Upon seeing Chin's condition, Dan had made one careful inquiry this morning about whether Chin had tracked down Steve the night before, and whether their boss was okay.  The younger man was still smarting because Chin had blocked his attempt to check on McGarrett the previous day.  "But I'm his friend!" Dan had protested.  "Yes, but you can't understand this part of his life," Chin had asserted bluntly.  "_I'll_ check on him."  

Chin hadn't been able to give Dan a straight answer this morning when asked whether Steve was okay.  _How can I?  I'm not sure, myself, at this point._  He smiled in spite of the circumstances._  Wonder if the neighbors appreciated the drunken, late-night rendition of Anchors Aweigh..._

The door snapped open and Steve McGarrett strode in.  

"Whew, he looks as bad as you do," muttered Dan just loudly enough for Chin to hear.

Steve nodded crisply and responded with a businesslike, "Morning, everyone" to the far-too-bright chorus of "Good morning, Steve" that came from his subordinates.

Steve continued as though nothing were out of the ordinary.  "Chin, Danno, brief me on yesterday.  Kono, grab the Yamada file.  It's time we put him away.  Jenny, I could really use some coffee, please."

Everyone stared for a moment, rooted in their spots and unsure whether to say anything about the odd events of the previous day.  Steve reached his office and opened the door.  He turned with a wry smile.  "Problem?" he asked, cocking his head and raising his eyebrows.

There was an explosion of movement as Jenny reached for coffee and Dan and Kono snatched files off the nearby table.  Only Chin remained motionless for a moment as Steve's eyes met his.

_Thank you, my friend._  The heartfelt sentiment flew across the room from behind the deep blue eyes.

_Anytime,_ came the silent response, accompanied by an almost imperceptible nod and a small, inscrutable smile.

The crisis had passed.  Steve McGarrett had turned the ragged edges of hurt and disappointment inward where they could do no harm to anyone but himself.  No one would ever speak another word about yesterday.  It was history.

**PAU******

_Postscript:  In theory, this should have been a foreword, but that would have ruined the story.  Assuming Steve McGarrett graduated from the Naval Academy in 1949 or 1950, he should have been promoted to Captain in the Naval Reserve by the early 1970's, but the highest reserve rank McGarrett achieved was that of Commander.  Why wasn't he promoted?  This story takes the reader back to the spring of 1970, when McGarrett would likely have been considered for promotion, but rejected._

© 2004 J.J. Keegan


End file.
